THE ART OF LETTING GO: I CATCH FLIGHTS NOT FEELINGS

HOW LIVING A LIFE WITHOUT ATTACHMENT TAUGHT ME HOW TO FEEL AGAIN

ALL PHOTOS CREDITED TO ALEX BAIER PHOTOGRAPHY | WRITTEN BY ALEXXA WALKER

“I CATCH FLIGHTS NOT FEELINGS.” THE CURRENT MILLENNIAL ANTHEM, AND ONE THAT RESONATED WITH ME FOR A LONG TIME. IF YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF THIS ONE BEFORE, ALLOW ME TO QUICKLY BRING YOU UP TO SPEED. THIS IS A SAYING USED TODAY AS WAY OF EXPRESSING ONE’S PREFERENCE FOR TRAVELING OVER RELATIONSHIPS OR ‘CATCHING FEELINGS’ FOR SOMEONE. IT’S USED AS A WAY OF SAYING “I CHOOSE ME” –  I’M NOT SETTLING DOWN FOR ANYONE. I’M GOING TO BE FREE, I’M GOING TO TRAVEL, I’M GOING TO LIVE A LIFE WITHOUT ATTACHMENT.

FOR YEARS, I PRIDED MYSELF ON THIS, ON BEING ABLE TO LIVE A LIFE WITHOUT ATTACHMENT. I COULD NEVER MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP OR JOB FOR THAT MATTER FOR LONGER THAN NINE MONTHS BECAUSE I’D BE CATCHING MY NEXT FLIGHT. AFTER MY FIRST TRIP TO EUROPE, I WAS HOOKED. I FOUND ANY EXCUSE TO TRAVEL, WHETHER IT WAS WORKING ON A TRAVEL FOOD SHOW, VISITING FRIENDS THAT MOVED AWAY FROM HOME, DOING A STUDENT EXCHANGE IN AUSTRALIA, OR AN INTERNSHIP IN UGANDA. I CHOSE ME, I CHOSE TO EXPLORE, I CHOSE TO LET GO.

THIS DOESN’T MEAN THAT LIVING A LIFE WITHOUT ATTACHMENT HAS BEEN EASY, BUT IT DID AT FIRST COME NATURALLY. SEE, THERE WERE ALSO PERIODS OF MY LIFE WHERE I COULDN’T FEEL MUCH AT ALL. CALL IT NUMBNESS, CALL IT APATHY – BUT THESE FEELINGS, OR LACK THEREOF, REOCCURED OVER SEVERAL YEARS AND PUSHED ME TO MAKE CERTAIN DECISIONS OR ACTIONS THAT I SAW AS A WAY OF TESTING MY LIMITS. WHAT COULD I GET AWAY WITH WITHOUT HAVING TO FEEL?

TRAVEL MEANS DIFFERENT THING TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. FOR ME, TRAVEL HAS BECOME A FORM OF ACTIVE MEDITATION. IT ALLOWS ME TO TALK WITH MYSELF, IT GIVES ME TIME TO GROW. THOSE LONG BUS RIDES OR MOMENTS IN NEED OF QUICK DECISIONS ARE THERAPEUTIC FOR THE SOUL. TRAVEL PUSHES ME TO CHALLENGE MY BODY, MY MIND, MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE WORLD AND MY VERY OWN SELF.

WHEN I FIRST STARTED TRAVELING FIVE YEARS AGO, I PARTIED! I PARTIED FOR TWO MONTHS STRAIGHT AROUND WESTERN EUROPE. NOT A BAR WAS LEFT UNTOUCHED, NO SUBSTANCE WAS LEFT UNDABBLED WITH, AND ALTHOUGH I SAY THIS WITH SLIGHT EXAGGERATION AND MOCKERY, I WOULD NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY. IT WAS LIBERATING, IT WAS FUN! I MET NEW PEOPLE, I KISSED SOME OF THEM. I DID A LOT OF SHIT THAT I WOULDN’T DO TODAY. BUT I WOULDN’T CHANGE IT. IT INTRODUCED ME TO SOLO TRAVEL. IT FORCED ME TO CHALLENGE AND CHANNEL MY ANXIETY INTO TALKING TO PEOPLE, INTO MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS, INTO POPPING MY BUBBLE OF SELF-DOUBT. THIS WAS ALWAYS THE HARDEST PART, FINDING CONFIDENCE AND LOVE FOR MYSELF AS A PERSON.

THINGS STARTED TO CHANGE WHEN I STARTED TO TRAVEL LONG-TERM. WHEN BEING AWAY FOR MONTHS AT A TIME, PARTYING EVERYDAY BECAME UNREALISTIC AND LESS OF A PRIORITY. TRAVELING LONG-TERM ALLOWED FOR DEEPER CONNECTIONS WITH THE PLACES I STAYED IN, IT ALLOWED FOR UNDERSTANDING AND EXCHANGES THAT A FEW-DAY-STAY WOULD NEVER ESTABLISH. IT GAVE ME ENOUGH TIME TO HAVE MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP ABROAD AS WELL AS MY FIRST HEARTBREAK, TO MEET PEOPLE THAT WOULD LATER BECOME NOT ONLY GOOD FRIENDS BUT PARTNERS I WOULD LATER VENTURE INTO FRUITFUL ENDEAVOURS WITH.

AND THEN, I MET PEOPLE WHO WERE TRAVELING INDEFINITELY – WITHOUT A TIMELINE OR A RETURN TICKET, WITH NO REAL REASON OR DEADLINE TO GO HOME. THEY COULD TRAVEL ENDLESSLY. THAT’S WHAT I WANTED, THAT WAS THE DREAM, THAT WAS LIFE WITHOUT TRUE ATTACHMENT – THAT WAS THE ULTIMATE FREEDOM.

SO I RETURNED HOME TO FINISH MY UNDERGRAD, KNOWING THAT THIS WAS MY FINAL DEADLINE. THIS LAST YEAR MY PARENTS DIVORCED DUE TO AN AFFAIR, AND IT WAS ONE OF THE HARDEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. A LOT OF THOSE FEELINGS LINKED TO APATHY, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION RETURNED. ALTHOUGH I KNEW I ALREADY WANTED TO LEAVE, WHEN IT WAS FINALLY TIME FOR ME TO, I NEEDED AN ESCAPE.

LEAVING THIS TIME WAS ESPECIALLY NOT EASY. I LEFT MY GROWING BROTHERS, A YOUNGER SISTER WITH NOW ADDED WEIGHT ON HER SHOULDERS, AND PARENTS THAT NEEDED MY SUPPORT – ALL BEHIND. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE TO LEAVE. JOBS, BOYS, OPPORTUNITIES. BUT LEAVING A FAMILY, THAT I HAD NEVER DONE. BUT I DID. BECAUSE I CHOSE ME.

DURING THIS TIME, I FELT SELFISH. BECAUSE I CHOSE ME. BECAUSE LEAVING DOESN’T ERASE THE PAST. BUT WHAT IF I HADN’T? I WOULD PROBABLY BE WRESTLING WITH A LOT MORE SELF-DOUBT THAN I AM NOW. I WOULD NOT BE THE PERSON THAT I AM NOW. I WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T…

IN THE SIXTEEN MONTHS THAT I’VE BEEN AWAY, I HAVE COLLECTED EXPERIENCES. I HAVE SUMMITED MOUNTAINS WHEN MY BODY TOLD ME I COULD NO LONGER GO ON, I HAVE TESTED MY NERVES AFTER BEING SURROUNDED BY GUNSHOTS, I HAVE SEEN SOME OF THE BEAUTIFUL SIDES OF HUMANITY AND THE LESS PRETTY. I HAVE FELT FEAR WHEN I WAS DROPPED OFF INTO DARKNESS ON THE SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY IN SOUTH AFRICA, NOT KNOWING WHERE TO GO. I HAVE CROSSED PATHS WITH SOME OF THE MOST AMAZING SOULS IN THE MOST DERELICT PLACES WHOM I’LL NEVER MEET AGAIN. I HAVE EXPERIENCED DARKNESS AND REGRET. BUT I HAVE ALSO FELT AND FALLEN IN LOVE. I HAVE FELT STRENGTH. I HAVE FELT PRIDE AND DEFEAT. I HAVE FELT. AND I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE.

DO IT. DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU SCARED. TAKE THE JOB, BUY THE TICKET, START THE BUSINESS, CATCH THE FLIGHT. PUSH YOUR BODY, YOUR MIND, YOUR LIMITS. VENTURE, EXPLORE. CHOOSE YOU. NO, IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE EASY, BUT IT’LL BE WORTH IT. DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL SOMETHING.

OH, AND FOR THE RECORD, I NOW CATCH FLIGHTS AND FEELINGS.

ALL PHOTOS CREDITED TO ALEX BAIER PHOTOGRAPHY

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