CONVERSATIONS WITH MOTHER AYAHUASCA PT II: BLINDED

THE SECOND PART OF OUR ‘CONVERSATIONS WITH MOTHER AYAHUASCA’ SERIES. YOU CAN FIND THE FIRST PART HERE.

BY LARA

A FEW WEEKS LATER, I SPENT OVER A MONTH LIVING IN A VERY REMOTE AREA OF THE AMAZONIAN JUNGLE. HERE, I BEFRIENDED AN INDIGENOUS MAN WHO TOLD ME ABOUT HIS AYAHUASCA EXPERIENCES. HE HAD BEEN GOING TO IQUITOS (AYAHUASCA MECCA) FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS, BUT RECENTLY MET A SHAMAN LIVING CLOSER. CLOSE BEING A RELATIVE TERM, CONSIDERING IT TOOK A FOUR HOUR JUNGLE HIKE TO GET TO HIS VILLAGE. NEVERTHELESS, HE WAS VERY POSITIVE ABOUT THIS SHAMAN, SO I THOUGHT: I FOUND MY MAN!

THERE WAS NO WAY TO CONTACT THE SHAMAN, BUT MY FRIEND (LET´S CALL HIM PEDRO) SAID THAT HE KNEW THE SHAMAN WAS OUT OF TOWN, BUT WOULD BE RETURNING IN A WEEK. I WAS ACTUALLY PLANNING TO CONTINUE MY JOURNEY THE FOLLOWING DAY, BUT DECIDED TO POSTPONE. AFTER 7 DAYS OF INTENSE PREPARATION (I LIVED ENTIRELY ON A SMALL AMOUNT OF FRUIT AND VEGGIES AND SPENT MY DAYS IN SOLITUDE), WE SET OFF INTO THE JUNGLE.

THE ACTUAL HIKE WAS BRUTAL. I WAS WEAKENED BY MY DIET; IT WAS 40 DEGREES CELSIUS AND THE JUNGLE WAS FLOODED. PEDRO WOULD GO IN FRONT, CHASING AWAY WATER SNAKES, AND I WOULD FOLLOW, TRYING TO KEEP MY BACKPACK HIGH AND DRY WITH ONE ARM WHILST SWIMMING WITH THE OTHER. SOMETIMES I WAS WAITING IN A BIKINI FOR TEN MINUTES, SO HE COULD FIND A SAFE ROUTE. NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WAS LIKE CHRISTMAS FOR THE MOSQUITOS AND I DID A LOT OF FRANTIC DANCING TRYING TO WARD THEM OFF. IN MY HEAD, A LITTLE VOICE WAS ECHOING: “WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT, AYAHUASCA WILL COME TO YOU. IF YOU HAVE TO FORCE IT, SOMETHING IS WRONG.” I WAVED IT AWAY.

AFTER FIVE GRUELLING HOURS, WE FINALLY ARRIVED. WE WERE WELCOMED BY THE FAMILY, WHO TOLD US THE SHAMAN WAS STILL OUT BUT WAS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE THAT EVENING. FOR SUPPER THEY HAD MONKEY, FRESHLY SHOT. THEY TRIED TO CONVINCE ME TO HAVE SOME TOO, BUT CONSIDERING I WAS ON THE DIET, I REFUSED. AT NIGHT I SHARED MY BED WITH THEIR BABY MONKEY PET, WHICH THEY HAD RESCUED. IN MY HEAD THE LITTLE VOICE PLAYED UP AGAIN: “RESCUED AFTER THEY SHOT HIS MOM FOR DINNER?” I WAVED IT AWAY.

THE NEXT MORNING, STILL NO SHAMAN. I FASTED SO I’D BE READY FOR THE CEREMONY AT ANY TIME AND WENT FOR A LITTLE WALK. DURING THE WALK I RAN INTO A LOCAL DRUNK, WHO HAPPILY STARTED BLABBERING A WHOLE LOAD OF GIBBERISH TO ME. AT SOME POINT, HE FOUND OUT WHAT I WAS HERE FOR AND I SAW HIS EYES TURN DARK. “DON’T GO! HE IS EVIL, HE IS NOT A REAL SHAMAN, HE’LL HURT YOU!” HE SAID IN WINE-SOAKED WORDS, PULLING AT MY ARM. AT THAT MOMENT I DECIDED TO STOP THE CONVERSATION AND STARTED WALKING BACK, GUIDED BY MY LITTLE VOICE WHISPERING: “SURE HE WAS A CRAZY OLD DRUNK, BUT HOW DOES THE SAYING GO? DRUNK TALK IS REAL TALK?” I WAVED IT AWAY.

CALL ME SUPERSTITIOUS, BUT I USUALLY TRY TO LISTEN TO THE SIGNS OF THE UNIVERSE. UP UNTIL NOW, THE SIGNS WEREN’T LOOKING TOO GOOD: A WEEK OF WAITING, A GRUELLING WALK, STILL NO SHAMAN, MONKEY FOR DINNER (WHILST I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT SHAMANS DON’T EAT RED MEAT) AND SOMEONE TELLING ME MY SHAMAN IS EVIL… MOREOVER, WHENEVER I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK, I START SEEING THE NUMBER 11 ALL THE TIME. AT THE MOMENT, ALL I SAW WAS A CONSTANT STREAM OF 10 AND 12… BUT HEY, HOW SCIENTIFIC IS THAT REALLY? SO I ASKED THE UNIVERSE FOR ANOTHER SIGN, SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO? THE MOMENT I FORMULATED THAT THOUGHT, THE DOG I HAD BEEN PETTING FOR THE LAST TEN MINUTES SUDDENLY JUMPED UP AND RAN OUT THE DOOR. WELL… I GUESS THAT WAS A SIGN I COULD NOT MISINTERPRET. I FINALLY LISTENED.

I STARTED PACKING MY BAG, SAID GOODBYE TO THE FAMILY. PEDRO AND I WALKED OUT THE DOOR… AND BUMPED RIGHT INTO THE SHAMAN.

AFTER A SHORT MOMENT OF HESITATION I WENT BACK IN, FULL OF RELIEF BUT ALSO WITH A KNOT TIGHTENING IN MY STOMACH. THE SHAMAN DON VICTOR WAS FRIENDLY ENOUGH AND SAID HE WOULD GO INTO THE WOODS, GET THE PLANTS AND COOK UP THE AYAHUASCA RIGHT AWAY. IT WOULD BE READY BY TONIGHT. I WAS A LITTLE SCEPTICAL – DOESN’T AYAHUASCA TAKE LONGER TO PREPARE? BUT NO, HE ENSURED ME IT WAS ENTIRELY FINE AND OFF HE WENT INTO THE JUNGLE.

ONCE HE RETURNED AND STARTED COOKING, I TOOK A LITTLE GLANCE INTO THE POT. THERE WAS SOME BARK, LEAVES AND A YELLOW FLOWER. I WAS NO EXPERT AT THAT POINT, BUT I HAD NEVER HEARD OF AYAHUASCA (OR CHAKRUNA – THE USUAL SECOND INGREDIENT) HAVING YELLOW FLOWERS. UPON MY ENQUIRY THE SHAMAN RESPONDED THAT THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF PLANTS YOU CAN USE TO ACCOMPANY THE AYAHUASCA ROOT AND THIS WAS THE STRONGER VARIETY. MY FRIEND PEDRO CONFIRMED. WELL THEN.. THEY´RE THE EXPERTS RIGHT?

AT NIGHT I WAITED FOR HIM TO TAKE ME TO THE MALOCA UNTIL HE TOLD ME THAT WE WERE STAYING IN THE HOUSE. SAY WHAT? THERE WERE 8 KIDS RUNNING AROUND THERE! HOWEVER, HE WAS FIRM – THE CEREMONY WAS TAKING PLACE INSIDE THE HOUSE.

BEFORE WE COULD GET STARTED, A WOMAN WALKED INTO THE HOUSE WITH A PASSED OUT, VERY SICK LOOKING CHILD. THE SHAMAN STARTED BLOWING SMOKE (MARLBORO) OVER THE CHILD, CHANTED A FEW WORDS AND PROMISED THE WOMAN THAT HER KID WOULD BE ALL BETTER TOMORROW. I WAS FASCINATED, ALTHOUGH MAYBE NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED.

AT 9 PM, HE FINALLY PUT THE BREW IN FRONT OF ME AND I SAW A TRANSPARENT TEA. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON´T KNOW, AYAHUASCA IS USUALLY A THICK, (DARK) BROWN SUBSTANCE. THE KNOT IN MY STOMACH TIGHTENED AND I COULD NOT BELIEVE I WAS GOING ALONG WITH IT, BUT I WAS JUST SO DONE. ALL THE WAITING, THE WALKING, THE WORRIES – TO HELL WITH IT. THE FOUR HOURS IT HAD COOKED WAS PROBABLY JUST NOT ENOUGH TO TURN IT INTO ANYTHING PSYCHOACTIVE, THE WORST (AND MOST PROBABLE) THING THAT COULD HAPPEN WAS THAT I FELT NOTHING. THE SHAMAN DRANK HIS PORTION FIRST (ENSURING ME HE WAS NOT POISONING ME), GAVE ME MINE AND STARTED BLOWING SMOKE OVER ME. THEN HE GOT UP, SAID GOODNIGHT AND TURNED AROUND TO GO TO BED. WHAT WHAT?? WHERE WAS MY CEREMONY? I ASKED DON VICTOR. “NO CEREMONY,” HE RESPONDED. “THIS AYAHUASCA WORKS WHEN YOU SLEEP, JUST GO TO BED AND WE’LL TALK TOMORROW.” “WHAT A LOAD OF BULLCRAP,” MY LITTLE VOICE COMMENTED. I NODDED IN AGREEMENT AND WENT TO BED FEELING LIKE A DUMBASS.

DURING THE NIGHT I WOKE UP, TORMENTED BY THE MOST INTENSE THIRST I’D EVER FELT IN MY LIFE. I TRIED TO GET UP TO LOOK FOR MY WATER BOTTLE, BUT REALIZED I WAS PARALYZED. PANIC BUBBLED UP INSIDE OF ME, BUT I MANAGED TO KEEP MY HEAD HALFWAY CALM ALTHOUGH I WAS FEELING INCREASINGLY WOOZY. AFTER A FEW MORE TRIES I MANAGED TO SIT UPRIGHT AND FORCED MYSELF TO ROLL OUT OF BED. I CRASHED ONTO THE FLOOR. THERE I STRETCHED TO MY WATER BOTTLE AND LAY STILL FOR A WHILE, EAGERLY SIPPING WATER AND GATHERING MY STRENGTH. MY HEAD FELT COMPLETELY SCRAMBLED; I COULD NOT HOLD A COHERENT THOUGHT AND WAS HAVING FLASHBACKS FROM WEIRD DREAMS I JUST HAD. THE CLEAREST THOUGHT IN MY HEAD WAS A QUITE PRESSING ONE: I REALLY NEED TO PEE.

WITH AN OUTBURST OF POWER, I GOT TO HANDS AND KNEES AND MADE MY WAY UP UNTIL I WAS STANDING. I WALKED A FEW STEPS, STARTED SWAYING AND CRASHED AGAINST THE WALL. I GRASPED THE WALL WITH BOTH HANDS AND SOMEHOW MADE MY WAY OUTSIDE TO THE HUT WHERE THE TOILET WAS. I MANAGED TO EFFECTIVELY DIRECT MY BUM TO THE TOILET SEAT AND RELAXED. THERE WAS A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE IN MY EARS AND AS I OPENED MY EYES, I SAW SHAPES ALL AROUND THE HUT. I GASPED, BUT KEPT MY BREATH STEADY, REMINDING MYSELF I WAS ON AN UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE AND THE VITAL THING WAS NOT TO PANIC. THE THOUGHT CROSSED MY MIND THAT I WAS PROBABLY NOT HALLUCINATING, BUT SEEING THE ACTUAL PRESENCE OF SPIRITS. I SHUDDERED.

I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF HOW I MADE IT BACK TO BED, BUT AT SOME POINT I WOKE UP AND IT WAS LIGHT OUTSIDE. I GLANCED AT MY PHONE AND REALIZED I COULDN’T SEE SHIT. THE LETTERS WERE DANCING IN FRONT OF ME, BLURRY AND DEFORMED. NEXT I LOOKED AT MY HAND AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRIED, IT WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF FOCUS. I SWALLOWED HARD, HAD I JUST BECOME NEARSIGHTED?

NEXT THING I REMEMBER, I WAS IN THE LIVING ROOM TALKING TO PEDRO, THE FAMILY AND A GERMAN GUY WHO WAS HERE TO LEARN ABOUT THE JUNGLE. A LITTLE BIT SHAKY, I BLABBERED AWAY TO PEDRO, WHO WAS QUITE UNRESPONSIVE. AFTER ABOUT 20 SECONDS OR SO, I SUDDENLY REALIZED I WAS TALKING IN GERMAN AND QUICKLY SWITCHED TO SPANISH. I ASKED PEDRO WHY HE HADN’T CORRECTED ME AND HE JUST KIND OF DISMISSED MY COMMENT. THIS SITUATION REPEATED ITSELF WITH THE GERMAN, WHOM I ADDRESSED IN DUTCH WHILST HE FEIGNED INTEREST UNTIL I WAS ABLE TO CORRECT MYSELF. A FRIGHTENING THOUGHT CREEPED UP IN MY MIND, HAD I BEEN ACTING SO WEIRD ALL MORNING THAT THEY HAD JUST REACHED AN UNDERSTANDING TO PUT UP WITH WHATEVER SHIT I WAS DOING?

BEFORE I COULD FIND OUT JUST HOW CRAZY I HAD BECOME, THE SHAMAN CAME IN. I LOOKED AT HIM AND SUPPRESSED A GASP. AS SOON AS HE SAID, “GOOD MORNING,” AND “OH DAMN, THAT WAS A BIT STRONG NO?!” – HE PASSED AND I NUDGED THE GERMAN, “WHAT HAPPENED TO DON VICTOR?” HE LOOKED AT ME CONFUSED. “HIS EYE,” I ELABORATED, “WHO PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE?” MORE CONFUSION. “IT IS PURPLE, BLACK AND YELLOW AND BLEEDING, CAN’T YOU SEE THAT??” AND THEN IT DAWNED ON ME, HE INDEED COULD NOT SEE THAT BECAUSE I WAS HALLUCINATING IT. THE MOMENT I REALIZED THAT, ALL EYES AROUND ME TURNED BLACK AND BLUE, WITH BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THEM. I WENT OVER TO THE MIRROR AND SAW MY OWN EYES TURNING INTO THOSE OF THE DEVIL. THE HAIRS ON MY ARMS STOOD UP, BUT I WAS ALSO FASCINATED. I TOOK A PICTURE, IT FELT SO REAL THAT IT JUST MIGHT TURN UP ON A PHOTO…

BESIDES RED DEMON EYES, I WAS STILL SEEING VERY LITTLE UP CLOSE SO I ASKED DON VICTOR FOR HELP (DON’T ASK ME WHY I STILL TRUSTED THAT GUY, I WAS TRIPPING!). HE DID ANOTHER LITTLE TOBACCO CEREMONY AND THEN TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY AND THAT I COULD GO HOME. FOR SOME REASON I DID NOT ARGUE, I DID NOT ASK ANYTHING AND JUST STARTED MY WAY THROUGH THE JUNGLE. IT WAS FASCINATING. ON THE WAY I SAW PEOPLE BEHIND EVERY TREE, JAGUARS IN THE BUSHES, SNAKES AROUND MY FEET AND BLOOD OFFERINGS IN LITTLE POOLS OF WATER. LITTLE BY LITTLE I BECAME COMFORTABLE WITH MY HALLUCINATIONS AND ALMOST STARTED ENJOYING THIS JUNGLE SAFARI. I FELT HIGH.

ONCE I ARRIVED BACK HOME I FELT AN INTENSE CRAVING TO CONTACT MY BOYFRIEND, BUT I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL 9PM FOR THE INTERNET TO BE TURNED ON. A FEW ANXIOUS HOURS WENT BY IN WHICH I WAITED FOR THE INTERNET AND MY SIGHT TO RETURN, BUT ONCE THE CLOCK HIT 9 I STILL COULDN’T READ A WORD ON MY PHONE. LUCKILY MY ROOMMATE HELPED ME WRITE AND READ MESSAGES, BUT I STILL FELT HELPLESS. I HATED THE LOSS OF MY INDEPENDENCE AND, 24 HOURS AFTER INGESTING THE SUBSTANCE, I WAS BECOMING LESS AND LESS SURE THAT I WAS EVER GOING TO GET MY SIGHT BACK. HOWEVER, I JUST KEPT TELLING MYSELF THAT THE NEXT MORNING, IT ALL WOULD BE BETTER.

IT WASN’T. THREE DAYS OF BLINDNESS WENT BY AND I STILL HAD NO IDEA WHAT I HAD INGESTED. I WAS DEEPLY SADDENED BY THE THOUGHT OF NEVER BEING ABLE TO SHARPLY SEE THE BEAUTIFUL FEATURES OF MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN (HOPELESS ROMANTIC), AND KEPT MYSELF CALM WITH THE IDEA OF LASER-THERAPY. I CHUCKLED BITTERLY AT THE IRONY OF THE SITUATION. I HAD TURNED A BLIND EYE TO THE SIGNS OF THE UNIVERSE AND HERE I WAS, ACTUALLY BLINDED. HOW POETIC.

I STARTED TO ACCEPT THE HARSH LESSON THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME AND THEN… DAY 4 – MY SIGHT CAME BACK. HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!

CONSIDERING I AM A TOTAL ADDICT, THE FIRST THING I GRABBED WAS OF COURSE MY PHONE. I LOOKED INTO MY GALLERY AND WAS GREETED BY ABOUT 15 PICTURES AND VIDEOS OF MY OWN FACE. I AM NOT USUALLY THE SELFIE TYPE OF GIRL AND THESE PICTURES WERE… NOT THAT FLATTERING, TO SAY THE LEAST. A BIT SCARED, I OPENED THE FIRST VIDEO AND SAW MYSELF STARING BACK AT ME. EMPTY EYES, HALF OPEN MOUTH, COMPLETELY STILL FOR FOUR MINUTES. IN ALL OTHER VIDEOS I WAS ALSO CONFRONTED BY THIS DEADLY, SILENT STARE, SO I WAS A LITTLE STARTLED WHEN I SAW MYSELF SWALLOW AND LOOK FOR WORDS. “GENETICS….” I SAW MYSELF MUMBLE, “PUSH ONE MORE THROUGH, JUST ONE MORE THROUGH,” BACK TO SILENCE. I FREAKED OUT, DELETED ALL OF THEM AND WONDERED WHAT ELSE I COULDN’T REMEMBER.

SO, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I ACTUALLY TOOK? THROUGH A SERIES OF SMALL COINCIDENCES, I FOUND OUT ABOUT A WEEK LATER. I RECOGNIZED THE YELLOW FLOWERS BLOOMING AT MY HOSTEL, AT THE SAME MOMENT, MY BOYFRIEND SENT ME A PICTURE OF THAT VERY TREE. I GOOGLED IT AND BINGO! TOÉ, DATURA OR THE DEVIL’S WEED, WAS WHAT I HAD INGESTED. A QUICK SEARCH HIT ME WITH THINGS LIKE ‘WORLD’S SCARIEST DRUG,’ ‘THE WITCHCRAFT PLANT,’ ‘TRIPPING FOR A YEAR,’ ‘LOST HIS MIND FOREVER,’ ‘ROBBED OF EVERYTHING, REMEMBERS NOTHING,’ ‘TO HELL AND BACK’ AND ‘TOÉ TAKES LIVES.’

TOE SOUTH AMERICA VICE — TOÉ ‘THE WITCHCRAFT PLANT’ – RETRIEVED FROM VICE. YOU CAN READ MORE ABOUT IT **HERE.**

I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT TOÉ IS USUALLY THE LAST PLANT THAT A SHAMAN TAKES TO COMPLETE HIS EDUCATION (WHICH CAN TAKE DOZENS OF YEARS). IT IS ARGUABLY THE MOST POWERFUL AND DANGEROUS PSYCHEDELIC PLANT THERE IS, ESPECIALLY IN ITS SYNTHESIZED FORM SCOPALEMINE. IN SOUTH AMERICA, CRIMINALS BLOW A BIT OF THE POWDER IN YOUR DIRECTION, WHICH CASTS A SPELL PUTTING YOU COMPLETELY IN THEIR CONTROL. THEN THEY MAKE YOU EMPTY YOUR BANK ACCOUNT OR USE YOU FOR SEXUAL PLEASURE. AFTER AWAKENING, YOU OFTEN HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF THE WHOLE AFFAIR. ANOTHER DANGER OF TOÉ IS THAT IT IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR PEOPLE TO NEVER SNAP OUT OF IT AGAIN, MANY PEOPLE LOSE THEIR MINDS. I REALIZED I HAD BEEN LUCKY.